Introduction: The Difference Between Fitting In and Belonging
As Wear it Purple Day approaches, I’m reminded of how important it is to reflect on what
belonging truly means for LGBTQIA+ individuals. This day is a powerful reminder that we all
deserve to feel safe, seen, and valued for who we are. But feeling that sense of belonging isn’t always easy, especially in a world where the pressure to fit in can be overwhelming. For many of us in the queer community, fitting in has felt like a survival mechanism for much of our lives. But as we grow, we realise that fitting in is a far cry from belonging. Belonging asks something different of us. It asks us not to change, but to be ourselves fully. The journey from fitting in to belonging is not straightforward—it’s layered with challenges, vulnerabilities, and profound self-discovery.
In this post, I want to dive deeper into what belonging really means and how the struggle
between fitting in and belonging affects those of us with queer identities. I’ll also share some personal experiences that have shaped my understanding of what it means to belong.
My Story: Trying Desperately to Fit In
Growing up in a very Catholic school, I quickly learned that being different wasn’t something to celebrate. In an environment where conformity was praised, I knew I couldn’t reveal who I really was. I was terrified of being seen as “other.” So, I did what many queer kids do—I hid. I created a persona that I thought would be more palatable to those around me. I wanted to blend in, to fit into a world that didn’t seem to have space for someone like me.
But kids are perceptive. They can tell when you’re not being authentic, even if they don’t have the words to articulate it. At school, I was given the nickname “ACE.” It wasn’t because I was excelling at anything, but because the other kids saw me as trying too hard to be liked. They could sense that the version of myself I presented wasn’t real. I was guarded, distant, and focused on keeping my real self hidden at all costs. As a result, I didn’t make many close friends, and the connections I did form were shallow, based on a version of myself that wasn’t genuine.
Looking back now, I realise that the nickname and the bullying I endured weren’t just about being “different.” They were a reflection of a deeper discomfort—a discomfort that came from others sensing I wasn’t fully present, that I wasn’t showing up as my true self.
The Cost of Fitting In
There’s a paradox in fitting in: the more we do it, the lonelier we become. By constantly molding ourselves to what we think others want, we end up pushing away real connection. The very act of fitting in creates distance between us and the people around us. In trying to protect ourselves from judgment or rejection, we end up rejecting ourselves first. We silence the parts of us that don’t conform, and in doing so, we silence our ability to fully connect with others.
For queer people, this experience can be particularly painful. We grow up internalising messages that tell us we’re not enough or that there’s something wrong with us. To protect ourselves from those messages, we create masks—versions of ourselves that feel safer, more acceptable. But over time, those masks become suffocating. We start to lose sight of who we really are beneath all the layers we’ve built up. The journey back to ourselves can feel daunting, especially when those layers have been in place for years, even decades.
The Journey from Fitting In to Belonging
Belonging isn’t something you achieve by meeting external expectations; it’s something that begins within. It starts with accepting ourselves fully, even the parts we’ve been taught to hide. The journey from fitting in to belonging is about peeling back those layers of protection, one by one, until we’re left with our truest selves.
This process is not easy. For many of us, it involves unlearning years of internalised shame and fear. It requires us to confront the stories we’ve been telling ourselves about who we are and what we’re worth. And yes, it can be expensive—emotionally, mentally, and even financially. Whether it’s the cost of therapy, the time spent in self-reflection, or the investment in making external changes to align more closely with our inner identity, the price of belonging is often steep.
But here’s the thing: it’s worth it. When we stop trying to fit in and start embracing who we are, we begin to experience true connection. We find communities where we don’t have to hide, where we don’t have to perform, where we can simply be. Belonging is about finding those spaces, but more importantly, it’s about creating them—for ourselves and for others.
The Courage to Belong
Brené Brown says that “true belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are”. That’s a powerful idea, but it’s easier said than done. The courage to belong means showing up fully, even when it’s uncomfortable. It means being vulnerable, even when we’re not sure how we’ll be received. It means risking rejection, knowing that the alternative—continuing to hide—is no longer sustainable.
For me, the process of reclaiming my true self has been slow and ongoing. There are still moments when I feel the urge to slip back into old habits, to put the mask back on, to fit in rather than stand out. But each time I choose to show up as myself, I feel a little lighter, a little more free. And with each step, I get closer to the life I’ve always wanted—a life where I’m not just surviving, but thriving.
Creating Spaces Where We Can Belong
As queer people, our experiences of fitting in and belonging are often shaped by the spaces we inhabit. It’s one thing to belong to ourselves, but it’s another to find or create communities where that belonging is nurtured. For me, this has meant seeking out people and environments that celebrate difference, that value authenticity, and that encourage vulnerability.
But it’s also about being that kind of space for others. The more I’ve learned to accept myself, the more I’ve become able to hold space for others to do the same. When we create environments where people can show up as they are—without judgment, without the need to perform—we start to build real community. And that’s how we begin to heal the collective wounds caused by a society that values fitting in over belonging.
Conclusion: The Freedom of Belonging
Belonging is a basic human need. We are hardwired for it. But for so many of us, belonging has felt out of reach for much of our lives. We’ve been stuck in a cycle of trying to fit in, trying to be what others want us to be, rather than embracing who we truly are.
The journey from fitting in to belonging is not an easy one. It requires courage, vulnerability, and a willingness to confront parts of ourselves we’ve kept hidden. But it’s a journey worth taking. Because when we belong to ourselves first, we find the freedom to connect with others in ways that are real, deep, and life-giving.
This Wear It Purple Day, I encourage anyone reading this to take a moment and reflect: Are you fitting in, or are you belonging? And if you find that you’ve been fitting in for too long, I invite you to start peeling back those layers. It’s scary, it’s challenging, but it’s also the path to freedom—the kind of freedom where we can finally say, “This is who I am, and I belong.”
Thank you for taking this journey with me. Let’s continue to create spaces—both within ourselves and in the world—where we all have the freedom to belong.
Ash MacMahon - Field Director
For more information on Wear It Purple head on over to https://www.wearitpurple.org/